#I always have to stop myself bc I’m like
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leon kennedy has a lot of moles, peppering across his body like a cosmic galaxy waiting to be connected together with the invisible ink of your fingers. most noticeable were the moles along his neck and collarbones, peeking out from his clothes and uniform. majority of them painted his back. there was a secret mole on his left hand - hiding between his pointer finger and his thumb. and a few more spreading across his arms and legs.
you had a habit of kissing his moles, every single one of them, but your favorite one to kiss was the mole on his stomach, right next to his belly button, perfectly placed to bring out the sweetest giggles every single time you did.
today was no different as you kissed his stomach, exposed from his shirt as it bunched up from his sleep. the laughter came out in uncharacteristic whines, too tired to actually squirm away.
“stop… it’s too early...”
you didn’t stop in favor of placing just a few more kisses against his stomach, the mark acting like the ‘x’ on the treasure map of his body. you finally relented, giving him once last kiss and finishing off with a gentle nibble causing him to jump and yelp in surprised laughter.
resting your head on his stomach you looked up at him as he met your loving gaze, his face flushed - another reason you loved kissing his moles.
“why do you always kiss me there?” he asked. “it’s ticklish.”
“you have a mole.”
he stared at you before letting out an exasperated chuckle at your simple response and mumbling how he didn’t understand you. yes, of course, he knew he had a mole. and while he was never insecure about them, the fact that they were the target of your lips and fingers made his heart thump in chest.
because while they were just moles to him… they were beauty marks to you.
a/n: hi i really like that they spent so much time mapping out moles on his body huhu plus i swear he has a mole on his tummy in one of the mods i swearrr lol i have a lot of moles myself and idk it made me love him more and i thought this was a cute thought hopefully i executed it okay bc i have not written in years
also dividers are by @cafekitsune bc i’m obsessed and they’re cute af
#milki content#milki writes#drabble#leon kennedy#leon kennedy drabble#leon kennedy x reader#resident evil#resident evil drabble#i don’t remember how to tag anything
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Your Brother's Best Friend ⸺ Gojo
author's note ⸺ Hi all! I apologize for being offline for the holidday season, wanted to spend lots of time iwth my fam and give myself a big mental break from the online world haha..so I hope you guys enjoy this draft I have, someone requested this like bak on october but I can't find the request so if it was you LMK <3 pairing ⸺ Satoru Gojo x reader concept ⸺ You are Nanami's younger sister, because of that, the insufferably annoying and constantly present-Satoru Gojo-has always been a constant in your life. content ⸺ just some coming of age fluff, childhood crush, soulmates fr, don't forget gojo is insufferable, ur a bit insufferable too but ily, lmk if anyone wants a prt2, mt fuji reference bc I'm planning a Japan trip rn, reader uses female pronouns
materlist || request guidelines || commissions
Satoru Gojo had always found himself intrigued by you. Being Nanami’s younger sister—only by a year, but a fact Gojo never let go—meant you were often around during their shared days at Jujutsu High.
It had been impossible not to notice you, with your sharp wit and the way you matched Nanami’s sternness with a warmth and energy he seemed to lack.
Back then, Gojo’s fascination with you manifested in childish antics: hiding your books just to watch you search for them in exasperation, ruffling your hair as he towered over you with a cocky grin, and smirking when you called him an idiot.
He relished every moment he could pull your attention from your studies or your brother, craving the fiery glint in your eyes when you were annoyed with him.
Unlike the rest of the people in Gojo’s life, you weren’t part of Jujutsu society.
You couldn’t see curses, didn’t wield cursed energy, and, for the most part, seemed blissfully unaware of the world that surrounded your brother and his friends as you pursued your studies.
Nanami had always insisted on keeping you far from it, which was just another thing Gojo couldn’t help but admire.
You were grounded in a way the rest of them weren’t, so wonderfully normal amidst their chaos.
And you had this way of looking at him—not like the strongest sorcerer, not like the next great hope of Jujutsu society—but just like a guy who annoyed the hell out of you.
At first, it felt harmless. You were Nanami’s younger sister. Off-limits. Untouchable. The unspoken one Nanami had pulled from the very beginning.
“Don’t even think about it, Gojo,” he’d once joked, though the steel in his voice had been unmistakable. That line, so clearly drawn by your older brother, was one Gojo thought he could respect.
However…Gojo wasn’t exactly known for adhering to rules, and over time, what started as a playful crush transformed into something far more real.
—
Gojo had really noticed the shift in how he saw you one lazy afternoon when you were both a little older, himself a second-year and Nanami now in first year.
You’d stopped by Tokyo Metropolitan Jujutsu High to drop off lunch for Nanami, a routine occurrence Gojo had witnessed more times than he could count.
And yet, for reasons he couldn’t quite explain, that day felt… different.
He spotted you from across the courtyard, standing near the steps with a neatly folded paper bag in hand. The sun hit you just right, its golden rays catching in your hair and making it shimmer.
Gojo found himself frozen mid-step, watching as you leaned toward Nanami, laughing at something he’d said.
He felt his chest tighten, his usual cocky grin faltering as something entirely unfamiliar bubbled up inside him.
He’d seen you countless times before—bickering with Nanami, reading quietly under a tree, rolling your eyes when he teased you. But this was the first time he’d truly seen you, and it shook him more than he cared to admit.
Gojo brushed it off with his usual bravado. It’s nothing, he told himself. Just a fluke. A trick of the light. I’m Satoru freakin’ Gojo. I don’t get fazed by stuff like..like girls.
But the image of you standing there, radiant and laughing, stuck with him.
Later that day, Nanami caught him staring off into space, absently twirling a pen between his fingers.
“You’ve got that dumb look on your face again,” Nanami deadpanned, his voice cutting through the comfortable silence of the common room.
Gojo blinked, jolting out of his thoughts. “Huh? Dumb? I don’t do dumb looks,” he shot back, feigning nonchalance as he leaned back in his chair.
Nanami raised a brow, unimpressed. “Right…” He said, but didn’t press forward.
Gojo leaned back further in his chair, staring at the ceiling like it held the answers to his dilemma.
He’d never tell Nanami the truth—that he’d been so distracted by you.
Because even though he’d brushed it off earlier, Satoru Gojo knew better. That moment in the courtyard wasn’t nothing. It was the beginning of a realization he wasn’t sure he was ready to face.
—
By the time you and Gojo were in your late teens you had both become insufferable in your own ways.
You–who was constantly studying and reading and cramming your head full of anything instead of living your life. And Gojo–whose ego was the size of Mt. Fuji and spoke 100 kilometres an hour.
This specific night, Nanami had reluctantly invited Gojo over for dinner at your family’s house after the persistent pestering of his taller, louder classmate.
Gojo, being Gojo, had made himself right at home, lounging on your family’s couch as if he owned the place. Your parents were out for the evening, and Nanami had resigned himself to the kitchen, grumbling about Gojo’s ability to eat an ungodly amount of food.
Dinner wasn’t ready yet, which left you and Gojo alone in the dining room as Nanami busied himself in the kitchen, muttering under his breath about Gojo’s bottomless appetite.
You’d been sitting at the dining table, flipping through a thick textbook, completely ignoring Gojo’s antics. Or at least, you had been, until Gojo sauntered over, leaned against the back of your chair, tipping it slightly, forcing you to glance up.
“You’re gonna get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that,” he teased, his signature smirk firmly in place.
“Do you ever not talk?” You replied, exasperation lacing your tone as you tilted your head to glare up at him.
“Rarely,” he shot back, before letting the chair fall back into place and taking a seat beside you at the table. “You’re really gonna spend the whole evening buried in those books?” He drawled, his voice a mix of amusement and boredom.
You didn’t bother looking up. “Not everyone has the luxury of being naturally insufferable and talented like you, Gojo.”
“Aw, you think I’m talented?” His grin was audible in his voice.
You finally lifted your gaze, levelling him with the flattest look you could muster. “Not what I said.”
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table, his chin propped up on one hand. The orange sunlight streaming through the window caught in his hair, making it gleam like spun silver. “Come on, y/n, live a little. You’re always so serious.”
“Not everyone can afford to ‘live a little,’” you muttered, your tone softer than before.
Gojo’s grin faltered, just for a heartbeat, before returning with renewed mischief. “Then it’s my civic duty to help you loosen up.”
Before you could stop him, he reached across the table and flicked the corner of your notebook. It slid a few inches down the table out of your reach, the pages fluttering slightly.
“Gojo,” you snapped, sitting up straighter.
“What?” His innocent tone was as fake as the wide-eyed look he gave you. “I’m just trying to help.”
You leaned over to grab the notebook, but Gojo was quicker. He snatched it up and held it above his head, just out of reach.
“Satoru,” you hissed, standing now, your chair scraping loudly against the floor.
He smirked, leaning back in his chair as he dangled the notebook higher. “What’s the magic word?”
“I’m not playing this game with you.”
You stepped closer, your hand reaching for the notebook, but Gojo shifted at the last second. In one smooth motion, he stood, towering over you with that infuriating smirk still plastered across his face.
“Wow, so short,” he teased, looking down at you with mock pity.
“I hate you,” you said, glaring up at him.
“Liar,” he shot back, his grin widening.
The room felt smaller now, the air warmer. You tried not to notice how close he was, how his presence seemed to fill every corner of the space.
“Just give it back,” you said, your voice quieter this time.
Gojo tilted his head, considering your request, but made no move to comply.
Instead, he bent down slightly, just enough that your faces were almost level. His free hand braced against the edge of the table beside you, caging you in without even touching you.
“You really want it?” He asked, his tone low, teasing.
The words made your pulse quicken, though you’d never admit it. You reached for the notebook again, but he didn’t budge, his grin softening into something more unreadable.
And then you noticed it—his breath, warm and feather-light against your cheek. You were close enough to feel his breath.
The realization hit you all at once. Your skin burned where his breath lingered, and the heat crawled upward, spreading across your face and down your neck.
“Gojo,” you said, but it came out quieter than you intended, almost a whisper.
“What?” He murmured, his voice matching your softness now.
You didn’t answer, your mind too preoccupied with the way his gaze lingered on you, no longer playful but intense, searching.
His grin returned, but it was softer this time, almost shy. “You’re blushing, y/n,” he said, his voice dropping to a near-whisper.
Your hands curled into fists at your sides, your gaze darting away as if the floor could save you from the warmth blooming across your face.
“No, I’m not,” you mumbled, despite the obvious pink hue radiating from your cheeks.
Gojo chuckled, a low, quiet sound that only made your blush deepen. “You’re adorable, you know that?”
You felt your heart do a little flip and you spun around, turning your back to him and crossing your arms over your chest.
“No I’m not–You–” You said shortly, trying to make yourself seem more annoyed than flustered.
“What?” He drawled, his tone all lazy amusement.
“I’m just making an observation.” His grin was practically audible as he tilted his head. “I mean, look at you. Bright red. Are you sure you’re not coming down with something? Or is it just me?”
You spun around so fast you almost knocked into him, your hands flying up to shove at his chest, but he barely budged. “You’re such a—”
“Careful now,” he interrupted, catching your wrists with ease. His grip was light but firm, his thumbs brushing over your skin in a way that sent a shiver down your spine.
“Wouldn’t want you to say something you can’t take back.”
Your glare faltered under his steady gaze, but you refused to give him the satisfaction of looking away. “You’re insufferable.”
“And yet, here you are,” he shot back smoothly, a smirk curling his lips. “It’s almost like you enjoy my company.”
“Well I don’t,” you snapped. “I’m not the one who invited you for dinner Gojo.”
Gojo’s smirk widened, but he finally released your wrists, stepping back just enough to give you space—though not nearly enough to escape the heat of his presence.
“Hm, ya’know–you’re right,” he spoke slowly, his tone dripping with mock innocence as he turned toward the kitchen, hands sliding casually into his pockets. “I’ll try not to charm ya too much during dinner.”
You stood frozen, your cheeks still blazing and your heart racing as his footsteps faded. With a frustrated huff, you followed, vowing silently not to let him get under your skin again.
—
By the time you were in your early twenties, you had quietly come to terms with your crush on Satoru Gojo.
It wasn’t hard to pinpoint why you liked him. Gojo had been a constant presence in your life since your young teenage years, and despite his insufferable arrogance and larger-than-life personality, there was a charm about him you couldn’t deny.
He teased you relentlessly, always flashing that blinding smile that made your heart skip a beat.
But it wasn’t just the teasing or the jokes. It was the way he treated you differently, always going out of his way to check on you, lingering just a little longer than necessary whenever you were around.
Still, you convinced yourself it didn’t mean anything. Gojo was like that with everyone—or so you told yourself…It was safer that way.
That afternoon, you sat across from Utahime at your favourite coffee shop in the neighbourhood near the office you worked at, absently stirring your drink as she rattled on about her recent frustrations at work.
You tried to focus—nodding at all the right times, but your mind kept drifting.
“Are you even listening to me?” Utahime asked, narrowing her eyes.
“Of course I am,” you lied, forcing a smile.
“Uh-huh.” She sipped her coffee, then leaned back with a sigh. “You’ve been spacey lately. What’s up?”
“Nothing,” you said too quickly, heat creeping up your neck. “Just tired, I guess.”
She gave you a skeptical look but didn’t press further.
The bell above the café door chimed, and you glanced up instinctively—only to immediately wish you hadn’t.
There he was.
Gojo Satoru strolled in like he owned the place, his sunglasses pushed up into his snow-white hair and his hands stuffed casually into his coat pockets. He scanned the room, and the moment his eyes landed on you, his face lit up with a grin that sent your heart racing.
“Great,” you muttered under your breath, sinking lower in your seat.
Utahime’s gaze flicked between you and Gojo, her lips curling into a smirk. “Oh, this should be fun.”
“Don’t you start,” you warned.
Before she could respond, Gojo was already making his way toward your table, exuding his usual overconfidence.
“Ladies,” he greeted, pulling out the chair next to you without waiting for an invitation. “Fancy running into you here.”
“Gojo,” Utahime said dryly, her tone laced with disdain that only seemed to amuse him.
“Utahime,” he replied, his grin widening.
He turned his attention to you, his expression softening slightly. “And you. Shouldn’t you be working?”
“I could say the same to you,” you shot back, doing your best to sound indifferent despite the way your pulse quickened under his gaze.
“Touché,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “But I’d argue that seeing you is much more important than work.”
Utahime snorted, and you felt your cheeks heat up. “Does that line actually work on people?” Utahime asked, sounding as unimpressed as ever.
Gojo shrugged, clearly unbothered. “Guess it depends on the person.”
The conversation moved on—or rather, Utahime and Gojo bickered while you quietly sipped your drink, pretending not to notice the way Gojo kept stealing glances at you.
Then, out of nowhere, he said it.
“So,” Gojo began, his tone deceptively casual as he put one hand on the back of your chair, causing it to tilt back a bit, “what are you doing tonight?”
You froze, your mind racing as your eyes left their place on your coffee and found his. “Why?”
“Because I want to take you out,” he said, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. “Dinner. Just the two of us.”
Your jaw nearly hit the table. Surely, you’d misheard him.
Utahime, on the other hand, choked on her coffee.
“Excuse me?” You managed, your voice barely above a whisper.
“You heard me,” Gojo said, his grin softening into something almost... hopeful. “What do you say?”
For a moment, you were too stunned to respond. You’d spent years convincing yourself that Gojo didn’t see you that way—that his teasing was just his personality, nothing more. But now, staring into those piercing blue eyes, you couldn’t ignore the sincerity in his expression.
Before you could answer, Utahime broke the silence. “Oh my god,” she muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“What?” You asked, still reeling.
“I can’t do this…this has been obvious to everyone but you,” she said, looking at you like you’d grown a second head.
“He’s been obsessed with you for years, and you’re just now realizing it?”
Your face turned scarlet as you stammered, “That’s—that’s not true.”
Gojo, to his credit, looked thoroughly amused. “See? I knew I liked you for a reason, Utahime. It is totally 100% true.”
“Don’t drag me into this,” she said, waving him off before standing up and leaving some cash beside her empty mug. “I’m leaving before this gets any worse. Good luck, Gojo—you’ll need it.”
“Thanks,” he called after her, clearly enjoying himself.
Once Utahime was gone, you turned back to Gojo, your mind still spinning. “Is this some kind of joke?”
“Do I look like I’m joking?” he asked, his tone unusually serious.
You searched his face for any sign of mischief, but there was none. Just that same unwavering confidence and something else—something softer, almost vulnerable.
“Okay,” you said finally, your voice barely above a whisper. “One dinner.”
Gojo’s grin returned full force, and for the first time, you allowed yourself to believe that maybe—just maybe—he wasn’t joking.
#gojou satoru x reader#jujutsu kaisen imagine#jujustu kaisen#jjk x reader#gojo x reader#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu gojo#gojo satoru#satoru gojo fluff#gojo fluff#satoru gojo x y/n#satoru gojo x you#satoru gojo x reader#gojo saturo#satoru gojo x reader fluff#gojo x y/n#gojo x you#gojo satoru x reader#satoru gojo#satoru#jjk fluff#jjk men#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk fic#jjk oneshot#jjk x you#jjk gojo#gojo satoru fluff#jjk men x reader
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(ooc: omg it you !!!) *Vince stepped hesitantly into the Bistro, steps unsure and weary. This wasn't the Vince you knew, but he acted similarly enough that if he didn't look so different you could very well just call him your Vince. What made him so clearly different is his scars. The burn scarring raging all over his neck, face and arms, though the ones on his arms have been hidden by a shirt.* Is this.. what I think it is..? *He mutters to himself* *He sees Rody and confirms his thoughts* Oh- uhm hi? Y-you're a chef, right? Chef Lamoree? *He offers his hand hesitantly* I knew that if I found the Vince from your world well it was only a matter of time before- *The Matches. He see the matches, the same ones that Rody had once used to burn down his Bistro. The same ones that had scarred him and well.. Rody- and he just simply fiddled with them, casually..* A-ah.. *he pulls back his hand* W-why.. do you have.. matches, sir? -Vincent🔪💔🖤(ooc: :00!! @ear-enjoyer-vince haii!!)
[ rody flipped the match box around in his hand , holding it with his thumb and middle finger . The feeling of it hitting his hand repeatedly seemed to cause him to zone out , his face blank and resting ; no usual wide eyes and big smile . however he quickly snapped his attention to Vincent , this Vincent , the second he entered . ]
[ thought his only eyes opened wider and his (vaguely forced) smile only returned to his face he watched as Vincent approached . Rody continued to fidget with the match back , sliding the compartment that held the matches out and back inside over and over again .]
[ Chef lamoree knew this wasn’t the Vincent from his timeline , that was obvious . The burn scars and that look in his eyes gave that away instantly . Rody wasn’t that good in talking most times , but he was good at watching .. when he felt like it . Cause most times he doesn’t care enough to pay attention to little details.. he guesses he’s just …intrigued ? Vincent and his other versions cause he’s sure he’s never payed attention to anybody else this closely ,,, well maybe one person . ]
“ yep ! chef lamoree , that’s me ! “
[ he smiles big and wide at vincent , showing off his teeth . Intentional or not it was a little threatening considering this Vincent had already gone through the events of his timeline and knew how it ended (for the most part) ]
[ rody stopped fidgeting with the match box when he saw Vincent reach his hand out for a hand shake , though right when he was about to go and shake the man’s hand ; Vincent pulled his hand away .]
[ Rody’s gaze flicked up from his hand to look at Vincent’s face , he tilted his head to the side ; smile faltering just a little .]
“ hm ? Something the matter ?”
[ he stared at Vincent with a curious look , however it still felt vaguely threatening with how he held the matches in his hand .]
[ rody continued to stare at vincent , he hadn’t realized he’d stopped smiling entirely . Though he quickly realized this after hearing Vincent’s question , he straightened up and brought his grin back ]
“ why do i — .. ohh , sorry don’t mean to scare you or anything ! Having something in my hands to mess around with helps me focus ‘s all .”
“ and there’s no need to call me sir , just rody is fine — or chef .. or chef lamoree . Whatever is fine !”
[ he smiled at vincent , one of his more genuine ones . Sure he was lying just a little , but it wasn’t that big of a lie . He did use the matches to help him focus . ]
[ but it was also cause rody really enjoyed fire .]
#! chef rody speaks#! asks#ear-enjoyer-Vince#! ooc tags#HAIIII#WAVES SUPER EXCITEDLY AT YOU#can you tell I like writing big responses#every time I go to write a . huge response#I always have to stop myself bc I’m like#I CANNOT JUMPSCARE THESE VINCENT RP BLOGS WITH A HUGE WALL OF TEXT#but here we are with a big wall of text (at least on mobile)#also I LOVE ur writing style I don’t think I’ve mentioned this yet
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fast sketch for today💓💓
#god these two are so cute will I ever stop drawing them ????#NO😤😤#anyways I am so tired today😭🙏#woke up at 5am & I’ve drank so much coffee!!#I have a lot of work this afternoon so I wanted to take advantage of my morning#deep cleaned/ran errands/walked the goblins#I’m about to exercise and idk why but I decided I’ve been too lazy about things lately#and I’m pushing myself so much with lifting these days I am SO SORE#(but like the good type of sore)#I just want my thighs to be more muscular 😭😭😭😭😭 lots of squats deadlift bulgarians hip thrust etc etc etc#at least I know by next week I will already see the results 🙏🙏 then I’ll be lazy again until they fade 😭#I have never managed to be obsessive about exercise or really enjoy it I just do the bare minimum to stay healthy#and hopefully my body will thank me as I get older#bc my job is so physical that I really need to take care of things or I could really mess things up for the future#tbh I’ve always noticed that tattoo artists always lift a lot🤝🤝#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hphl#imelda reyes#poppy sweeting#imelda reyes x poppy sweeting
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Sophie Shepard & Kaidan Alenko (ME2) 1/?
MIRA'S MORE CANON ME2 "The wrong place at the right time..." AKA: The aftermath of Stealing Memory. Mass Effect 2: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#sophie shepard#kaidan alenko#shenko#fshenko#mass effect#mass effect 2#me2#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#morecanonmasseffect#otp: you're real enough for me#these are my favorite bisexuals on the citadel sir#if bioware won’t give me soph and kaidan content in me2? FUCK IT. i’ll do it myself :)#i’m not even kidding about more canon either :) there’s some cute little details i spent way too much time modding in lol#kaidan’s little moon earring he gets after soph dies#me now knowing how to add outfits to the closet so i can yoink the male hoodie mesh to kitbash the hoodie she steals from their apartment#literally right after she resurrects that she always wears around the normandy :)#special shout-out to tali and thane bc their romance scenes have some nice moments#i could rant about soph’s me2 canon for hours but the cerberus plotline is shit#so half of that gets tossed out and kaidan and ash end up back on the normandy when she stages a coup from cerberus :)#bioware canon sucks so i’m rewriting ME2 :) they get to smooch more :)#like this!!#kaidan shows up on kasumi’s loyalty mission to help out with the undercover aspect when he hears soph is in citadel space :)#so they take out hock together :) and i think that’s how they end up rekindling (even though they never really stopped) :)#one of these days i’ll get around to giving kaidan his full arm tattoo instead of just the shoulder one you can’t even see lmao#i am now very powerful since i remember how to mesh swap and i can control the closet :)#i fear i’m about to be obnoxious about gif’ing ME2 missions#i think kaidan ash soph and zaeed are about to be going places#SORRY FOR THE RANT :) enjoy your day 💙
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so we’ve established by now that we’ve all acquired an inner Senshi that tells us to eat properly and an inner Chilchuck that tells us to be mindful of our rights in the workplace, but what about Laios and Marcille? their self-care schticks are a little bit more abstract than the other two, so I’m curious as to what everyone’s learning from them
#dungeon meshi#personally my laios tells me to stop forcing myself to wear clothes that are Bad Sensory just bc I’m going out in public#I have a specific pair of Leaving The House Trousers that everyone always says are very stylish and androgynous#but they’re made of scratchy fabric and have an annoying seam and don’t keep my shirt properly tucked in#so I’ll be standing in my loose jsk (good sensory but gets me a bad grade in transmasc) looking mournfully at the trousers#and that’s when laios will pop up like ‘well I wouldn’t pick the trousers. anyway do you want to hear a monster fact’#on the flipside my marcille mostly helps with motivating me to take care of my appearance on days when I wouldn’t otherwise have the spoons#particularly maintaining my hair (yeah I know)#I’ve said this before but ryoko kui did such a good job of tricking nerds into taking care of ourselves in every possible respect haha
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should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens
#i have slept 2 hours and haven’t been able to fall asleep again for like 3 hours and i was really tired and mad abt it but now i am not#tired and not mad abt it so maybe the path i should be taking is to stop sleeping. sleeping a lot gives me little energy and i’ve been#having trouble sleeping anyway so maybe i should use this to my advantage and run my little sleep deprivation experiment that i was#originally planning to do a couple years back but then got sooo eepy sleepy that i didn’t really get far. but maybe that’s bc i wanted to#go 72 hours straight w/o sleep so i could record my response to it. i should be more subtle i think. maybe only a few hours a night#and more 30 hour waking periods. do not listen to a single thing i say ever i’m an unreliable narrator btw. i think i could trigger smth#fun to happen i:m a good age for sleep deprivation to do something fun and interesting to me and i want to play god#but i’d get kinda sad being awake all the time bc sleeping is like my number one coping mechanism. then again the pain of losing#that on top of the physical and mental consequences of sleep deprivation would be like so cool. it would pain me so much#but i find that compelling. do not listen to a single word i say i will realize this is dumb later but rn i do kinda want to think abt#running my little experiments and trying to ruin myself further. i’m such a good thing to think abt experimenting on bc i’m so affected#by things i just wish i had more force of will Does anyone want to kidnap me and keep me awake for 72 hours (i’m thinking electrocution#will be involved) and keep notes i fear i’d give up and i wouldn’t keep good enough track of things which would be so sad#obvi it would be unethical but i’m cool w that. i would also want it all on camera for review purposes. hmm i’m digging this idea. 72 hours#is not very long and i doubt there would be lasting consequences so it seems like a good idea. however i’d want to do this when i have#things to keep me busy and restricted access to places to sleep. okay i must think on this further pay no mind to what i say unless u have#suggestions like how to keep yourself from giving in bc i always have difficulty w that one
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sorry if I become extra annoying im kinda tweaking over being on my own for the first time sooooo I might let myself become extra indulgent 💔💔💔
#‘aren’t u already super indulgent’ you’d be surprised#everything will be tagged either fanfic bullshit or gayalanwoke if you wanna block 😭#sorry i kinda maybe sorta will be having a moment. for a while.#idk if I can call myself disabled. but like yall know I have diagnosed cptsd and suspected-autism#sooooooo#taking care of myself is. not easy. At all#I can hardly manage with my parents#and now . idk. basically my routine for the past 20 years is being disrupted and im not handling it well#not only that. just.#again like I said taking care of myself in general is really hard#AND I have . college now.#lord 😭#I’ve always been a straight a student in high school and community college right#four months after my cptsd developed? I dropped out of community college 🫠#bc I literally couldn’t handle it#that was last February#now im at a . four year school#so#im tweaking#like actually this time#and since hyperfixations are All Consuming . they are as helpful as they are debilitating yk#so like yes this show/the fic might contribute to education problems. buttttt it’ll also stop me from crashing out!!!!!#so . yeah. yall might be hearing a bit more from me 😵💫#or#I’ll become extremely self conscious and never follow through#sorry#this is so funny I’m freaking out that yall might be angry im posting abt stuff that makes me happy LMFAOAOO#THIS IS LITERALLY ALL IN MY HEAD LMAOOOO#yall: hey gayalanwake! what’s up? cool binder. hey gayalanwake! wanna come over to my house today? :D#me: they alllll hated me 🐺
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ptsd is being such a bitch to me tonight guys. your girl is not doing well.
#i don’t want to feel this way#but i don’t know how to stop it#i just feel myself spiraling out of control again and all of these thoughts keep coming with it#it wont leave me alone#i want it to leave me alone#i don’t want to go on more meds bc they fucked me up even more and i want to be able to think#but my heart has started pounding so quickly again that i can’t focus on anything else#i feel so empty and weird and vague#december is always a bad time and it’s hard when i don’t have class or work as a distraction#i’m always on the verge of crying and#i just do all these breathing techniques that don’t work#and i just lay in a ball on my bed shaking and hurting#you know it’s bad when even writing doesn’t calm me down#ocd combining with ptsd is a hell of a thing#how can you calm yourself down when you’re not thinking rationally and it won’t leave your head#part of me just wants to panic and get it over with but i feel like if i start i won’t be able to stop and just simply fly into hysterics#idk#just haven’t felt this bad in a while#i just want to get out of my head so bad#i wish i could turn thinking off#sorry i know y’all aren’t my therapist and i should get my own#but im still on my parents insurance and i don’t think they would allow that#i don’t mean to vent#i just feel really hopeless and shit rn#anyway#i’m going to try to sleep and hope it will be better in the morning#it wont be tho lol#nothing is ever better#bc the universe and god hate me
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you’re telling me p’aof gave us a first kiss on a rooftop AGAIN and i can’t watch it until tonight?!!???!!!
#I’m literally dying#I looked at my YouTube just as I was leaving work and literally gasped out loud to myself#and then spoilers be damned I just had to watch the end of the last part bc I needed to see it I couldn’t wait that long and definitely#wouldn’t have been able to avoid spoilers#and Jesus Christ I was screaming inside while stood at the bus stop in the cold#something tells me I’m gonna lose my mind even more with context like I’ve heard rumblings of an August kiss????!!!!!#oh damn why do the juicy episodes always come out on Fridays when I’m doing something#literally losing my mind until I can watch it#last twilight
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you would think after knowing me for 30 years my parents would know that i do not in fact like being told about plans 2 hours before they are happening with the assumption that i am coming and yet. all the time.
#my mom is now mad that i was annoyed and she will be mad if i don’t go but this happens every time#maybe i won’t go this time and she will stop doing this to me ahdjdk#i know this is bc like two weeks ago i said it was fine living with them#bc like every day since then they have decided to prove actually it is not that fine. agdhfjskd#i need a text post tag#they always assume just bc i’m at home i’ll drop whatever to do what they want like NO i have PLANS#they are just WIRH MYSELF
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I feel such joy to know ppl & hear them share things with me. Looooove having friends and picking their brains, I really should do it more often than I do now tbh
#I do think I need to get back on trying to keep up with all my friends#like there are areas of my life I wish I’d put more effort into bc I want to keep cultivating my dnd friendships#bc those are so so so so special to me and I really should do more to like grow those friendships#bc any relationship takes time and love and tending and I do that but I’d like to do more#but there’s a lot of areas in my life I wish I’d improve#I’m getting there tho I don’t wish to come as mean to myself rn#bc I feel very good I just got done playing dnd and that’s always such a fun time#I love seeing my friends it really boosts my will to live and makes me feel like a person again#idk we are going through it and I know why but also I don’t know why and idk how to explain#we’ll see if I can do something in therapy but also I need this insurance shit to get mailed to me so I can stop#stressing about everything#life is so hard I’m so proud of every person on this planet except for the billionaires and shit#bc we are all out here in the trenches in wjatever form that takes and Christ it aucks#but I can still take your hand or message u online and we can have a little laugh
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Home posting again
#it’s been less than 48 hours that I’ve been here and I’m-#discussion of self harm warning#- already having urges to relapse. vague ones with no intent to follow through but Jesus#I don’t get why they even fucking want me here when I’m always so combative within a day of being here#I don’t really know how to stop it either our communication just breaks down so badly#I don’t want to fight and I don’t want to feel like this. I guess that’s just what Christmas brings#and being home makes me feel so so so so lonely#I still get texts back and I talk to people I guess but also I become so aware of every text I don’t get back and get so in my head#bc I don’t wanna be so so so annoying and overbearing but that’s my nature. that’s what I do. this bed and this room hold so many memories#I don’t even feel like I’m representing myself right with these words. I wanna go on a walk and listen to 21p but I’ve got an essay to do#I keep wanting to send things that I think will strain relationships. I will overstep I’ll show a little too much and I’ll be misunderstood#or understood. in a way that makes people less interested in spending time with me#full of anger and fear and tears#mom also made a nasty dinner. so I’m hungry and only ate part of a bad meal but that’s my best option for food rn#I want to be needy and emotional but I can’t go where I want to with it. I know there are ppl that would be there but it’s not who I want#WHATEVER. I have a paper to write.
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the amount of times people will make statements about Social Rules and then get mad at autistic people commenting or about Eating Rules and then get mad at people with eating disorders commenting or shit like that and go “well it wasn’t about YOU obviously” like sir these are rather infamously the Disorders That Inherently Fuck You Up On Those Issues it’s Not obvious to people already struggling to understand that it Doesn’t include them and they can and will fucking literally kill themselves trying to live up to what they feel they Have To because they think they Have To like. they’re the one group who won’t be able to understand that!
#like I’m not saying you have to Always add qualifiers#but stop yelling at disabled people for not understanding something their specific disability makes it hard to understand#I’ve literally starved myself over morality and self harmed out of guilt for eating bad things as someone with an eating disorder And autis#because that is in fact not obvious to me. if it’s bad to eat something then I’d rather not take my meds and not eat at all and starve#bc I don’t magically know I can eat something Bad if I’m literally dying from malnutrition and in agony bc I can’t take my meds#it’s not obvious to us! It’s obvious to you bc you don’t have disorders that fuck up your relationship with those things!
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I only write poetry on the bus anymore
#chunes#no particular reason for this song#I’m just listening to this album rn and it always makes me feel A Lot#but also like. makes me want to write bc I love his poetry#anyway poetry club was fun! nice break from The Grind#we had to write a little and then swap poems#I was worried I was gonna like ‘ruin’ somebody else’s ‘better’ poem#but it ended up being really fun and I stopped worrying about it and just kinda let myself Write Shit#on the bus now and I’m almost home so I’ll have to eat and then do some homework I guess#maybe apply to more internships lol#I also have some good short story ideas and my school’s lit magazine is taking early submissions w feedback soooo 😏
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oh, random thursday in october, i wish you’d go fuck yourself <3
#anyways i’m depressed today#and i’m not gonna jump ahead and be all ‘i’m in a depressive episode’#bc the jury’s still out on that one#but it’s not often that i a have a random day of depression that isn’t followed by a full episode#which is great!#granted i could also be coming on my period#bc i do feel bloated and also just all round gross#but also could maybe be both#that happens at times#my period doesn’t discriminate against my depressive episodes#when she comes she comes she doesn’t care#i also don’t know if it’s gonna be a full manic episode again#or like as bad as it was back in june#bc i was really bad in june#like at least the mania back in february gave me a break#june was just none stop horrors™️#why has this year been the longest year of my fuckin life#and that literally includes the years i was going through severe medical trauma#i’m really really lonely also#but i feel like i’m bothering everyone#what fuckin else is new?#sorry to everyone i say i’ll be there for and then i’m never there ✌🏻🤪✌🏻#i’m not exactly the safe place i wish i could be#i’m not even a safe place for MYSELF#so you’re probably better off#i don’t know if i deserve to ask ppl to talk to me when i won’t do the same thing x#okay but the thing is i know i can get through this bc i always do#i just wish i didn’t have to#bc shit’s fucking exhausting to constantly go through every few months#like we get it i have a depressive disorder 😒
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